Frame of reference

Counsellors often talk about looking through the client’s frame of reference. The pane of glass in the wooden frame is your frame of reference.

To be a good listener, you need to stand at the side of the speaker and try to look out at the world through their glass.

Don’t say: “I’m sorry that your glass is scratched.” That would be sympathy – not a bad thing in itself, but not helpful for listening. Sympathy means that you feel sorry for the other person and you want to reduce their suffering. This is kind, but it does not mean that you understand their needs, feelings and experiences. You can feel sorry for someone without actually listening to them at all.

Don’t try to clean the glass or fix the scratches. That might help them to see more clearly, but it would be like trying to make some of their life experiences disappear or change who they are as a person. They earned every single mark on their glass through the life that they lived, and no one has the right to take those away.

But don’t ignore the marks on the glass. Ask questions about this scratch and that smudge and those colourful stains, then listen to the answers without taking the opportunity to tell them about your own scratches and smudges. This can be difficult because we love to talk about ourselves. So be aware of this temptation and remember to focus on the other person whenever you feel the urge to share.

Imagine you are talking to someone who is terrified of giving presentations. It might not be helpful to have sympathy (“I feel for you”) or share your own experiences (“I used to be nervous too”) or rush in with solutions (“imagine your audience is naked”). Instead, try asking questions about their experience of public speaking and listen to the answers.

You might ask what thoughts go through their head during presentations, and where those thoughts and feelings first began. This can help you find the scratch that is changing their view of the world. For example, their glass might have been scratched when they were bullied in school and looking at the world through this scratched bit of glass means that they see it filled with people who will laugh at them if they make a mistake.

Using empathy by trying to genuinely understand the other person means that your listening skills also help them to better understand themselves. And understanding is the first step towards taking charge of your own problems and finding your own solutions.

Learning to listen

As you practice trying to see the world through the frame of reference of the person who is speaking, you will find that you are less likely to misunderstand, less likely to rush in with advice, and more likely to connect on a deeper level.

This is how counsellors build a therapeutic relationship.

You will know when you are building rapport through listening because you will start to genuinely want to hear and understand that person. You will stop wanting to interrupt with your own thoughts. You will stop trying to push the conversation in a certain direction to talk about your own interests or serve your own agenda. You will stop getting distracted by things around you or your internal voice.

Instead, you will become immersed in the world the speaker is sharing. And this is how to be a good listener.